The Importance of Self Care for Carers
Importance of Self Care
GENERAL INFORMATION ABOUT SELF CARE FOR CARERS
In a nutshell there are 4 main reasons to do this:
• The need to role model positive compassionate self care for your Loved One
• The need for energy to keep going for all the family
• The need to role model being able to ask for help
• The need to connect with others – relationships help the brain to develop
When we run skills workshops Carers find this notion very difficult to accept and want there to be a quick fix which does not involve them changing. You can decide what you think about this, just ask yourself ‘who can I change?’ If the responsibility for change is lodged solely in your Loved One the message they get is that they are the problem , this makes developing a positive attitude to changing a problem for them. Asking someone else to change and staying the same yourself can be experienced as a very blaming and critical message. On the other hand you do ultimately want them to be able to handle change for themselves and as you can’t do change for them the other option is to change yourself and then they will have to alter their responses to you (and others).
If you are helping your Loved One to change by not changing yourself, and believe that change will be sustained in your Loved One you have found a successful strategy. Think about these ideas if what you are doing is not working.
As a carer it is important to remain patient, focus on the bigger picture, re-iterate long-term goals and continue to use the skills you have learnt. There is no definitive definition of ‘recovered’ and it can mean a lot of different things to different people, eg. medically, psychologically, socially and personally, however it is important to take each day and week as they come and not put too much pressure on whether they are ‘recovered’ or not.
For example, leaving an inpatient unit is a specific time when maintaining any progress made is particularly difficult. Returning to the stresses of daily life eg. commuting, fitting into social groups, preparing meals will invoke high anxiety.
It can be useful to try and work with the professional team, asking for specific advice on what has worked well with your loved one, and perhaps together setting up an outpatient treatment plan.
Finding support for yourself can also be useful and understanding that it won’t be plain sailing.
A study by Cockell et al (2004) found that helpful factors to maintain change were:
1. Focusing beyond the eating disorder eg. encouraging your loved one to find hobbies or work they enjoy or friends they can spend time with can help give them a sense of self outside of the eating disorder. Increasing the non-eating disorder sides of life.
2. Maintaining meaningful connections with professionals and treatment providers and family, friends and others.
3. Applying the skills learnt in treatment such as communication skills and planning nutritious meals.
It is important that carers remain warm, compassionate and supportive throughout the change process. For your Loved One putting themselves ‘out there’ to apply the skills and form nurturing, supportive relationships may make them feel vulnerable and anxious. You can help individuals by expressing confidence in their ability to change or maintain change.
It is useful to be aware of times when anxiety may increase and the possibility of relapse is high. In order to support them through these times and be vigilant for signs of eating disorder behaviours returning you will need energy and brain power.
Stressors maybe:
Shopping for new, larger clothes
Body shape changing
Exams
Applying for jobs or university
Leaving home
Changing schools or classes
Changing Jobs
Social occasions
Disruption within the family
A friend getting ill
Your loved one falling ill (co-morbid illnesses such as depression or more physical illnesses)
End of a relationship
Getting married
And for girls:
Periods re-starting
Becoming pregnant
****Remember that being prepared and supportive is useful however you cannot change someone else for them. Encourage them to fight and work hard until the changed behaviours are more habit and less of a challenge. They can get there****
To harness the power of this intervention requires that everybody involved in caring has the necessary respite time. When carers work together no one carer is left feeling alone and isolated, or left to take on majority of the care. It is often the case that there is one carer who takes on the role as the main care giver, however it is important that other carers (siblings, mums, dads, grandparents, spouses, friends and other relations) all work together in order to help in their own way. Fathers play a very important role. By showing warmth and acceptance they can help build esteem, and role model a different relationship from Mothers.